i want to be great or nothing

Amy March in Little Women (2019)

I’ve got a Substack. I’ve got a bookish Instagram. I’ve got a Goodreads. I’ve got a YouTube channel. I’ve got two jobs. I soon will have got a degree.

Have I made something of myself? Am I finally great?

When I think of Amy March in Little Women proclaiming, “I want to be great or nothing,” I find myself thinking of all the things I have passed on in fear of failing, or worse- giving up. Like Amy, my talents and hobbies do not amount to the genius I want to have. I would like to think so. Actually, I would love it if my talents would equate to my genius. I want to think that my Goodreads or Bookstagram is an extension of the genius I have in me. Maybe in some ways, our talents and hobbies forge a road to the discovery of the greatness that lies within us. But also, in my head, if I don’t even excel in my hobbies, how will I ever be a so-called genius? Talent may not be genius, but when I question my abilities in performing the hobbies I love, can I even find a sliver of the genius I so badly want to have?

Which is why when I, for example, don’t understand a book I’m reading, I question my capacity to think and understand what I consume. Am I dumb, or am I going crazy? Or if I am painting and the outcome is the most hideous thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on, I will never pick up a brush for months. Why do I question my “creative genius”? Does everything have to be great or nothing? And worst of all, I think for me, is when the outcome of my hobbies is something so good, I’m afraid I will never amount to that same greatness ever again.

I want to be great or nothing. And I want to always be great. Maybe it’s the weight of being the oldest sibling, feminism, making myself proud, or making my family proud. My strive for perfectionism is shown in one too many ways for one too many reasons. It’s in the way I talk, when I finish people’s sentences just to prove I know what the conversation is about. It’s in the way I consume media, when I want to know everything known to man and silently beg someone to ask me something just so I can answer it with something I learned; so I can be seen as a knowledgable all-knowing being. It’s in the way I help others, when I almost become a horribly condescending person because others “don’t know as much as I do” (and whose fault is that but my own?). When I know that I’ll fail at something, it’s sometimes hard to even start doing it in the first place. In doing this, I always question what would’ve happened if I just went for it.

In my road to greatness, I’ve forgotten about the simplicity in just being.

I’ve become better at just existing and going for things, whether I’ll excel at them or not. Life shouldn’t end when I find out I’m not a genius.

A text from my friend, whose words are always true.

There is a genius, and there is talent in everyone. And what’s more, they don’t solidify our place in the world, whether we’ve made something of ourselves. Our genius and talent solidify to us that we are humans full of life, and in failing, we are even more human.

“I want to be great or nothing.” Amy March in Little Women. Timestamp: 0:00-0:28

---

Extra reading/watching (if you would like):

i want to be great, or nothing